but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
