Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
