I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
