Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize