The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
