i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
