I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
