My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
