i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
