I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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