i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
