i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
