its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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