I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Randomize
