I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
