I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize