Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
