You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i just had sex bonerless
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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