Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
