R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
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