i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
