I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
This beer is not sobering me up at all
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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