There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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