Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
