Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
