best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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