I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
