Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
