I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
