Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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