1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
they call him Oral-B. enough said
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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