I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
