Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
