he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
