probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
