How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
someone owes me an orgasm
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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