If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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