Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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