I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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