I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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