Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
