hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
