there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
