I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
