I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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