remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
