I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
