I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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