Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
