the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
