Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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