you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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