i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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