So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
