My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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