I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
My pussy is not your playground.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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