please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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