drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
