come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
