I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Randomize
