he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize