Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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