If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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